relationships

Pictures Of You…

Remembering you fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering you how you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything

 

I keep looking for my old self in all my old lovers. I keep searching for a speck of lost youth that I once had. Such vibrant life I once lived all lost to my human way of despair. I search for that old girl who used to be free and used to want to live. Full of dreams that would captivate a conversation, she could make you fall in love so easily.

I seemed to have lost some zest for life, some hope as well. I’ve been in thought for so long, remembering old ways, past ways. I’ve laughed at silly memories that pop out when I hear this song. It was once who I was. Just driving around town, picking up random strangers and having a few drinks just to keep from thinking.

Im stuck in a phase of wanting to be the old me and wanting to be a better me. I don’t say much now a days. Just keep the thoughts in my head. Maybe out of fear of what anyone would think. My perspective is not quite accepted. I am living somehow, breathing new days that feel bland. I think I am in desperate need of some adventure. Maybe a need of a new plan.

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relationships

We Are The Broken Girls (session II)

I wear my pain on my arms. Cut after cut.

I hold the lies you once spilled onto me a night we chose to be out.

I wear my heart on my sleeve in hopes that you will hear me.

I took the plunge and let your need drown within me.

Silence. Days, it took days to finally hear back from you.

You rang to say goodbye again. I tried to let you go.

I got drunk and I called your name.

In a twisted mess, that’s how I ended up in your bed again.

Sober, I left in a panic, once I was out the door all I could do was drink some more.

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relationships

We Are The Broken Girls.

I awoke in the night, sweating and panting, another ghost dream of your face haunting my sleep. I turned to look around, surrounding me was my favorite lover, one who cared for my open wounds, somehow there you still were.

I cried to myself as I turned into another street of memory lane. Flashbacks of all those forbidden conversations we had to just have. I cranked up the volume to the song that had carried me through as you closed the door leaving me locked inside as I screamed.

This is the thing about me, about us. We are the broken girls that keep tight all the voices of the past, trying to make sense of the clues everyone left behind. We are those girls that sit up at night asking why to the sky and laughing our asses off with our friends to hide the hint of sadness that permanently resides in our souls.

We have the momentary highs and we marvel at our significant crash and burns. We thrive in the pain of living in misery. We are majestic, just like the stars that burn bright in the night, this is were we thrive. You will look for us in other souls, you will wish you still had our lips upon yours and regret all the words you used to crush our souls.

We are the broken girls, we drink till we can’t feel anymore and we sing till our words become slurs. You will fall in love with us and learn it all to late. We are the broken girls, we will be the ones that you failed to speak up for. We are the ones that will move on because the timing was never right. We are the broken girls, we are the ones howling in the night bearing our hearts to the sea wishing upon dreams that are impossible to see.

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relationships

The Last Postcard…

Tengo las puertas abiertas
si gustas me despiertas
y hablamos como antes dejando de lado la descon
que ya todo me desconcierta
mi alma está desierta
ya te pareces a tío porque nunca me contestas

 

Old conversations stay in my mind. Replaying like a broken record of what once was. I look back and now think of a better answer, remember that question you asked? I do. Late night chatter in the middle of dark bars. Heavy drinks filled with slurred words. Long lost loves appearing out of sight. Who I once was, one time.

A heavy heart makes not a good life. A heavy heart makes only despair come out to fight. What if’s held so close to home. I once remembered I was no longer alone. Crying in the shower with full remorse, a bottle of OE, a forty full force. Holding on because I can’t say the words. I am spinning, spinning out of my core.

Trying to regain the momentum of reality versus trying to push you out of my head, an ongoing war. Pain converts into pleasure as I sink in once more to the memory of emptiness. Lying on the ground replaying old songs that used to mean the world. A distinct memory of loneliness.

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Out of this World…

Outta balance

I couldn’t stand it

Felt out of place within this breakin state of panic

I swear i need you

But i also don’t

I been fallin

I continue to see your face in my dreams.

Haunting my sight in the mornings as I drive by mementos.

I continue to hear your voice within me, shhh.

Let me be, let me be, please.

I am tired of running away from you.

Mentally challenging myself to completely abandon you.

Memories are hard to make fade away.

Let go I must do.

There is no point, look what you have done to me.

I am alone in this world without you.

Suffering in silence the heartache.

The pain this world brings upon us.

Confusing, I thought I saw your face in my mirror.

Flashes on what once was the pleasure of hearing you say.

Speak, tell me the words I need to hear to breathe.

Empty, I go back to sleep and there you are, next to me.

 

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I Will Always Love You…

However far away
I will always love you

However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

 

“That’s the thing isn’t it.” I said to him. “What is?” He asked but wasn’t listening really. “That. You say all these things to me, you tell me you love me and you show me wonderful things of life and yet here we are, broken. I am broken up over you and the connection you made me believe we have and you are just there, unapologetic.” I rushed the words out angrily.

He stared at me, tears forming in his eyes. He looked away from me. I was getting frustrated with his silence. I don’t know if the connection, this heart wrenching pain in my chest caused by him and his undecided mind.

“I love you, I do, I just, the timing has always been off hasn’t it. And what can I do? What can I say when there is no reversing time. I can only be happy with you and wish you the best and just move on. Move forward and maybe the timing later on will be just right.” He said it all to calmly, as if the pain in me meant nothing and this night was nothing of great importance.

“How can you be happy? Happy about any of this?!” I cried. I was unmoved with his spoken words. “I am not, don’t say I am when you don’t know how I am feeling inside and it is hard to express it to you.” , “WHY?” He sighed, “Because I am vulnerable and unfiltered with you and I don’t want that, I don’t want you getting close anymore, it scares the living crap out of me.”

“Let me in. Let me in, before I walk away, please.” I begged one last time. He opened the door to his car and he walked out and away. “This will be our song.” He said back at me as I came to notice the music playing in the background. I finally understood the lyrics. And then, in the middle of the darkness and solitude I broke down and wept my heart out. Forever in mind, forever lost to the world.

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relationships

Our World…

 

 

Sometimes I wander at night. My mind seems to go to all the wrong places. You see me sitting there, smiling, talking, being human. Inside I am in a whole other world, one that doesn’t exist anymore because you are not in it at all.

I go to a world where you lived and breathed. One where I dared to be bold and smiled and spoke genuinely. One where you and I had the best of times and it was all so effortless. One where we were happy to just be.

Sometimes, in this world, I cry and I tell you my truths. I share with you my thousandth regret and my millionth cry for you. I tell you about the time a boy broke my heart and how devastatingly sweet he was about it. I tell you how much that boy changed me and how much I wish he hadn’t been a part of my background history.

There are days, in our little world, were I tell you about the man that made me smile. I tell you how odd it felt to laugh after a while. I whisper to you how scared I was to take his hand and wander into a lifetime journey. Eyes closed, heart shut, mind open. It wasn’t easy. He isn’t simple and sometimes my heart thinks it can no long bare him. So I stay.

In our world, where the stars collide with blue moons, I sit with you. I share my most human emotions, raw and unfiltered. I tell you about the time that I heard a song for me. How it created a ripple effect forever to remain in my life. I show you how haunted it made me and how marked it left me. In our world, I see you and I hold you. I hear your words whispering me sweet lullabies and then, I am awake.

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