relationships

Promises…

Are you drunk enough?
Not to judge what I’m doin’
Are you high enough?
To excuse that I’m ruined
‘Cause I’m ruined

It is like a rhythmic dance, this love affair we got going on. I step left you step right and then we spin in circles. Flawless. Effortless. Once again we keep playing a cat and mouse game. But for once, I can say checkmate.

You tango me so well. My body fits perfectly into your arms as you expertly pull and push my body to do as you wish. I catch my leg swinging around gracefully to wrap around your hip. And you pull us, pull us deep into a realm made for just us.

I am spinning and spinning. My arms above me, swaying side to side and you stare. My body becomes feverish as your eyes start little trails of fire down the length of  my body. I feel you behind me once again, your fingers trailing up my arm. Once again I am pulled into your steady chest.

This is our dance.

Advertisements
Standard
relationships

{One on One}

Many hello’s to all far and near.

It is I! The disaster of a human being. I wanted to chit chat a bit, start a bit of a dialogue, which seems to be missed a lot these days. Or maybe this isn’t that platform where one can exchange ideas and thoughts and get a healthy feedback of sorts.

I digress. I will start by saying that I am well, for the most part. I do not yet have a balanced thought process and though I am very much still breathing, most days I feel like I am drowning in my own self. Selfish a bit, but, old habits die hard. I am a ball of  knots. Stressed out as usual. I still over think a lot of situations in my head, make them bigger than what they truly are and I still have this insane fear of dealing with a death of a family member.

Crazy I know. My writing has slowly but surely decreased and I find myself caught up in the horrible-iest writers block. Some days I get an idea of what I want to write but I am to busy to stop and jot down the idea that popped up in my head. Which, seems like a lot of writers say that this is a MUST. I…very much fail at such department. Then again, I’ve come to notice that if I am not writing the very truth I do not feel proud of my work.

Writing truths is the hardest thing to do for me, however. I fear judgement. I fear people not seeing my point or at least trying to understand where I am coming from. I guess, in shorter words, the fear of not being accepted. Does it matter though? Don’t we all need to be our fearless self at all times? Throw caution to the wind?! Which I have yet to even catch wind to throw…

I hoped that maybe jotting these type of emotions and spilling them off to the universe and cyber space, somehow, this would liberate me of my mental slavery *props Bob*. So cheers to this, to this emptying of emotions and thoughts and hoping that I can get my groove back.

Standard
relationships

Love Lies…

Are you into me?
When it feels so good, but it’s bad for you
Can’t say I don’t want it ’cause I know I do

The smoothness of your lips on mine, kissing the bruises away, tearing any possible train of thought away.

It is like you need to devour my mouth. It’s a must for you to have my head in a jumbled mess. Completely vulnerable to you.

It is a massacre. Sheets on the floor, clothes torn apart, legs open wide and there you are, devoted.

“Mine”, you growl into my ear as you remind me again and again who my body truly is for. Sweat runs down the middle of my breasts and suddenly, your lips, licking sweet and salty droplets of sky.

My mind is racing. Why am I truly here for? I grasp your messy hair, enjoying the way it slips in between my fingers. I find myself lost again.

I taste blood in my mouth, familiar taste, I bit my lips again trying to hold my composure with you. What have you done to me.

Standard
relationships

Touch Me…

The sheets surrounding me are wet, soaked with sweat.

Touch me

I toss and turn, I’m trying to shake you out of my mind.

Fingers slide down my back

I wake up startled, panting, and I can feel the need between my legs.

Kiss me

My heart is going to jump out of my chest, nightmare or sweet dream?

Don’t stop

I lay back down and I feel my breast become sensitive.

Bite me

I moan, the feeling so fresh, the need so palpable.

Take me, plunge into my depts

I turn, there you are… and my fingers start to caress you until your eyes open, lust filled eyes are looking right back at me.

“Come here”, he lazily says. And I am all to willing to satisfy this thirst.

Standard
relationships

Sway…

I keep saying “I love you”.

It feels normal rolling off my tongue.

I say “I miss you”.

The comfort in it lets me feel sane.

“I want you”, whispered in between bed sheets.

I am to afraid of what darkness would look like if I stayed by myself tonight.

I want to tell you, “I am fine”.

But the bottle in my hand and the little white pill I swallowed half an hour ago keep reminding me how wrong I am.

“Let me go”.

You keep holding on to a dead end mystery with no hope anymore.

 

Standard
relationships

Im Broken…

April 27, 2018…

I have reached a new limit…one I don’t think I want to cross paths with again. I am broken. I didn’t even think it was possible to feel more empty…more let down, more numb. Maybe, it feels worse because I am sitting, wallowing, in this moment. Maybe, I am just “too” sensitive. Don’t pitty me please, we drown all the time.

There is static in my mind. I think I already went over the scenario more than a thousand times and I find error in all the ways. I find anger, hurt, misunderstanding and stubborness. I find hurt in all of this, we hurt. Who wins? You or me? My lips stick together, they’re dry from all my tears. My tears, salty to the taste, perfect to pair with a margarita. Or maybe, just…just a tequila shot straight.

I am trying to not allow myself to go to that place. That bad neighborhood in my heart. The self destruct button is so close, the tips of my fingers caressing that damn thing. I want to feel nothing. I want to feel the pain of getting numb. I want to press play to the music and let it drown my thoughts and my tears. I want to sway… push me here and there. I’m alive? I swear I thought I was dead inside…

I am dead inside. Hello old friend.

Standard
relationships

Pictures Of You…

Remembering you fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering you how you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything

 

I keep looking for my old self in all my old lovers. I keep searching for a speck of lost youth that I once had. Such vibrant life I once lived all lost to my human way of despair. I search for that old girl who used to be free and used to want to live. Full of dreams that would captivate a conversation, she could make you fall in love so easily.

I seemed to have lost some zest for life, some hope as well. I’ve been in thought for so long, remembering old ways, past ways. I’ve laughed at silly memories that pop out when I hear this song. It was once who I was. Just driving around town, picking up random strangers and having a few drinks just to keep from thinking.

Im stuck in a phase of wanting to be the old me and wanting to be a better me. I don’t say much now a days. Just keep the thoughts in my head. Maybe out of fear of what anyone would think. My perspective is not quite accepted. I am living somehow, breathing new days that feel bland. I think I am in desperate need of some adventure. Maybe a need of a new plan.

Standard