Remedy…

I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be
So desperate to find a way out of my world and finally breathe
Right before my eyes I saw, my heart it came to life
This ain’t easy, it’s not meant to be
Every story has its scars

There have been many kept secrets within my family circle. Some that are way to dark to believe it be true. Some that have kept me up at night wondering where all of us went wrong. I’ve been holding in the anger of it all, looking for answers that no one answers honestly. We lie. We always lie and to each others face.

Why?

I still wonder why I can’t seem to be heartless. I can’t seem to just not care. I can’t let go. I can’t do a lot of things that I should so that I can rise up. You all affect me much deeper than you will even understand or know, but you simply do not care at all. I think to myself if you really care for me, your aunt, you’d change, you wouldn’t lie to my face and you certainly would not make me out to seem a fool.

How dare you.

I care. I’ve always had, but I was only a child back then and couldn’t do much to save you. Now that I am trying, now that I can, Now that I am willing to push more, you go and do the most stupid things that will only get you killed. How long till you realize you can’t blame the past all the time. You must learn to accept that you will not get apologies from anyone who hurt you back then. Its the sad truth, but what counts is what you make of yourself, a world full of opportunities and you’ve chosen to lead a life of danger.

Am I going to have to loose another nephew, you fool.

Dare…

Do I dare find solace in a warm embrace?

Do I dare get up off the ground and stand on my own two feet?

Do I dare breakout of this defeat?

Do I dare to become me…

 

Scars To Your Beautiful…

She prays to be sculpted by the sculptor
Oh, she don’t see the light that’s shining
Deeper than the eyes can find it
Maybe we have made her blind
So she tries to cover up her pain and cut her woes away
Cause covergirls don’t cry after their face is made

I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I look in your eyes and I hate what you see. I look at my reflection in the rain puddle in my backyard and I stomp on the face that it shows me.

I hate myself.

I’ve come to learn how to hate all the bits and pieces of myself throughout the years. Society has taught me how to not feel and how to not be satisfied with who I am. Men have confused me by seducing my body but not my mind.

I hurt myself.

The only way that has made sense in my head to love myself is those quick fiery nights, a swig of the bottle that never leaves my side and the power I have to satisfy others thirst. I love myself when others “love” my body but not my core.

I hate myself.

After Midnight…

I can’t keep your voice out of my head
All I hear are the many echoes of
The darkest words you said
And it’s driving me crazy

I can’t find the best in all of this
But I’m always looking out for you
‘Cause you’re the one I miss
And it’s driving me crazy

I’m always thinking of you adoringly, and you treat me so wrongly. I always smile at the thought of you, just as much, I grow bitter at the thought of another in your arms. We are misfits you and I, somehow, we got along and now we are in this mess hopefully together.

Did you know that I write about you constantly? Yea, I think I’ve found myself a muse within you. I still can’t bring the right words that would describe you befittingly. I come to think that just like love you are also undefined.

Hair’s always a curly mess, its even better in the morning, when you wake up next to me. Your big hazel green eyes lazily looking into mine. The dreamy smile your lips form to say “Good morning”. Its intoxicating, the little moments we have, that’s what drives me crazy. So perfectly imperfect.

I’m kinda holding on to hoping and waiting that whatever this is, whatever this becomes, however it turns out, we shall remain. I’ll always hold a side of you I only know and you’ll always hold a part of me only you can unlock. Lucky you, always having me right beside you no matter what. Hope you really are here to stay.

There She Was…

There she was, sitting under the rain, letting the drops wash her pain away. 
There she was, sitting across the room from him, caramel brown eyes piercing his soul. 
There she was, headphones plugged in and the music on loud, she felt her heart shattering breaking down. 
There she was, staring up at the stars, feeling his warmth surround her and fuel her. 
There she was, taking two extra sugars for her coffee, staring at him from across the room and a smile forming on her lips.
There she was, holding on to him after a night's affair, captured in his way of sleeping that entranced her. 
There she was, one morning sitting alone by her window, he glanced up and didn't even wave goodbye.
There she was, sitting alone once again, under the rain that made her feel numb.
There she was, there she was, broken once again.

Say You Love Me…

‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If you don’t wanna try,
But all that I’ve been thinking of
Is maybe that you might
Baby it looks as though we’re running out of words to say
And love’s floating away

You keep saying you aren’t like the rest, so why do I feel this way? Yes, you are different, you showed me new ways of feeling embarrassed. Maybe not all of it was a mistake though, because, at times you say these things that make me feel hope and then you turn it around the next day and all feels like I’ve been defeated again.

I know the way I am. I know that I go for what I want. I want you. Imperfections, flaws, and scars. I want it all, but you don’t let it be so easy. Its a twisted mind games, never thought I’d be here again in this very spot. Once again, I am the puppet. Though it feels more like a punching bag.

Don’t treat me like I am yours and yet you want to be free. Don’t treat me like you care when you possibly don’t. Don’t say I am cute and stare at me the way you do, only to act indifferent the next day. You want me to not be confused but how can I not be when you act in such a way that makes it easy to fall for you.

Resentment…

Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it’s all because you lied

I will always love to hard and real fast. When I finally find something/someone that gets me deep I get this sudden anxiety and I pour myself all out. I’m afraid of losing all over again. There was never anything wrong with losing, its just that no one tells you how bad it hurts after the fall. You either push away or you pull into you so much you scare them away.

I can’t see the way people see me. And I can never understand why people say I am “nice”, “kind”, “beautiful”. I will never see it that way through my eyes. But I can tell you this much, I sacrifice. When I find it worth so much more you bet your bottom dollar I give it my all. That’s just who I am. I will always give and give and won’t accept anything in return, though I know it shouldn’t be that way.

I guess, along with my rollercoasters I bring you all along this mysterious ride. I apologize for the emotional high and low, but at the same time, this is therapy for me. Writing is my form of escape of the harsh reality that life can be for me. The constant worry of figuring out who I am supposed to be in this world or where my career should lead or when will I settle down. Its a constant question in me and in others that like to pester me.

But when I write, I write for me. I write for my broken heart. I write for my sorrows. I write to let my darkest shadows run free and out of me. I write because its the only thing that keeps me sane. I write to pour out the words that were left unsaid.  I write because I don’t want to hide.

***Miami pics will come soon just bare with me, pre warning its not as exciting as it would seem LOL***