Lovesong…

Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

What would you call this train of thought? All I can do is think of you every second, every minute of the day. What would you say if I told you that I’m falling for you and you don’t even know it. What would you do if only you knew…?

The fact of the matter is that even if you knew, you would not do a damn thing. This thing that we do, those nights that we had, all these memories are just haunting me constantly. I can’t give myself again, no, not to another. You have me wrapped around your finger.

You don’t even love me. You don’t even miss me. You don’t even appreciate the fact that I am still here for you despite of your hazardous ways. Its toxic, being with you, friends or not, its always toxic. Because you do not see what is in front of you. You do not value this heart.

Remember the night under the stars, next to the crashing waves, and we had just been in the middle of a moment. I asked you what song reminded you of me, and this song played and you looked up at me and smile and said, “This one. This one is for you.” And I foolishly believed it. I ignored my right mind and followed my heart that beat hope.

Bitter Pill…

I guess I played my cards too late
Cause now my body can’t take the weight
And once we flew so high, oh
But now I’m afraid to fly, oh oh oh

My breath hitches as I say your name…not that long ago your piercing eyes were watching me, staring right through the lies, the hurt, and the past mistakes. You were staring at me, daring me to make the first move. You were watching me, glancing back and forth from my eyes to my lips. Kiss me.

The nervous knot I get at the bottom of my stomach when you stand right behind me, hands to waist. Dig in your fingers into my soft flesh, grasp my hips tight, pull me in close to you. I close my eyes, I want to feel this moment. My back against yours, solid. Your lips tantalizing me as you softly brush them on my neck, aroused.

You make the smiles that come to my face form quite easily, just as well, you make the tears that flow down my face come just as often. The feel of your lips kissing me down, your hands roaming my skin, bare. Want me. You take control, dominate, you show me what you know and you give it in such a manner that makes me loose control. Love me.

I Hate Everything About You…

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet

“Every time we lie awake”, I hear you whispering to me. Telling me things will be okay but the very next day you got up and walked away. You left me stranded with my loneliness and thoughts. You left me wandering around helplessly as I sought for something called ‘hope’ to hold onto.

Me and my broken heart, “after every hit we take”, it still continues to beat somehow. Not to my rhythm, not to yours, but to its own now, somehow. It still beats and it still feels and it tries to heal but the infinite little scars are always there and the wounds haven’t had time to close up.

“Every feeling that I get” when you are around me is so intense. Every emotion that passes through me, even if fleetingly, I feel it deep in my bones, so much that it hurts, it physically hurts. I want to scream at you, at I, at the world. But what’s the point? At the end of the day, what will be the point to scream it away if it won’t change anything?

I stand there looking at myself in the mirror, “but I haven’t missed you yet”. I can see what you mean when you say I am haunted. I am haunted, I am lost in the vagueness of the yester-year and I am running away from the past mistakes that seem to turn into current ones. I am trying to be present in this moment with you and even then… “I haven’t missed you yet”.

Through The Dark…

You need someone to hear you when you sigh
Someone to wipe away those tears you cry
Someone to hold you ‘neath the darkened sky
Someone to love you more than I

My soul comes alive at night. When the world is sleeping or dreaming away, I am up, desiring and contemplating things that have gone astray. Its hard to find peace at night, the sound of silence makes me relentless because I can hear my loud thoughts of regret. I force myself to forgive myself for my past. I force myself to believe that I am alright.

Its a scary thing to fall into the grips of darkness. It sucks you up and covers you whole. It feels like you can’t breath. It feels like when you are drowning and your lungs are burning and you are trying hard to swim up but your legs are sore. It feels like the pouring rain and its  only 11 am and the skies are a certain shade of grey and everything looks that much more worse.

It’s funny how I have been able to live by. Its funny how I crave so much but when it comes time to it, I freak out and runaway scared for life of what it may give me. The daily struggle never truly lives but the skies aren’t as grey and I’ve finally taking swimming lessons to stay afloat. My hand is out there, reaching out for the hand that’s supposed to take mine. One day. That’s enough hope for now.

This Where My Heart Breaks…

This is where my heart breaks
This is where you see me cry
I know what kiss is
This is goodbye, goodbye

Sooner than later the truth all comes out and its a reality that we all have to deal with. Sooner than later. My life is a constant roller coaster and I’ve brought you all along with me to enjoy the ride, maybe not so much enjoy but you know what I mean. My highest of highs was short lived and I was dumped so swiftly that I no longer felt pain, but just anger that I had let myself believe in something great again.

I’m alright you can say. I am just fine. It doesn’t hurt because this was my very first adult like break up. It hurts to miss him, but it was the right thing to do. I’ve been making life altering decisions lately, and so far… well… I’ve laid it all out to God himself.  I grew up in a divided household when it came down to spirituality. My mother and my sister are very dedicated to our faith. My father has no religion to live under but has faith in God. I try not to bring up the topic of religion because many don’t know how to agree to disagree and have a more open talk about it in order to be more knowledgeable.

This is just for me. I’ve realized now that for me, it has always worked best when I truly throw myself into my faith. Not only does it give me peace of mind and I feel and am much more happier, but I truly and genuinely had forgotten how much of a big influence it was in my life and how I lived it. I miss that girl I was when I had something to believe in. And now, I’ve come full circle again and I realize that for myself, this is where I need to be. I need my faith, I need my peaceful mind, this gives me reason to live my life to the fullest. It’s funny what you realize when you sit back and actually see your life in front of you. You can finally pin point the moment you took the wrong decision and at the end, you only have yourself to blame.

I still have my pain of loss and heartache, but it feels lighter now. I still have my days where I cry my heart out, but they are more manageable. I won’t be perfect ever, but I have perspective and that perspective helps me do necessary changes for me, myself and I.

The Numbness Within…

They say I am fine, they say, they say, they say…

I personally think I am going out of my mind because I cannot accept anything good into my life.

Tragic, maybe so, sometimes I hardly even care.

I might be wasted tonight, because sometimes that’s what my body wants.

I might be high tonight, because sometimes my brain does that.

One thing is for sure, tonight, I am numb.

It always settles in after sometime just like people settle for whatever they can get.

They settle into a routine and they tend to forget that going the extra mile can be something great.

That sometimes going above and beyond can really mend a broken heart.

But tonight, I’m settling in with numbness and just going for a ride.

Earned It…

On that lonely night
You said it wouldn’t be love
But we felt the rush
It made us believe it there was only us
Convinced we were broken inside, inside

I can still hear your voice in my mind. I keep replaying the sweet nothings you told me. The image you painted into my mind is stuck there and now… now… oh honey. I need you more than ever. I didn’t think I could feel alive with words again. I keep slowing down my pace, afraid to fall and hurt again. The last time it almost killed me.

You said you want to take your time with me. You want to explore every scar, every curve, every bump on my body. Just remembering the way you told me that makes me quiver. My breath hitches and I can’t think anymore. I can only focus on the way your sultry lips painted a delicious feast over my body. The way your voice deepens when you say you want to taste every inch of me.

It amazes me, the way you have with words. It amazes me how you left me speechless. Everyone knows I always have something to say. You can silence me with just a ‘Hello’. Here I sit, completely distracted. My face is flushed and my body tingles, craving the promises you whispered. I want to go back to bed and lie with you. Just us and we can roll around all day long and forget the world outside.

Crazy In Love…

‘Cuz I know I don’t understand,
Just how your love can do what no one else can.

I keep on thinking about how your touch set me on fire. Just one look and you filled my desire. It was lust and love all at the same time. It was want and give just you and I. You set my soul alive each time you whispered my name into my ear. I could feel every sense in my body heighten.

Your ability to make me squirm as you teased the hidden points of my body always left me breathless. I couldn’t think when you kissed me, let alone function when you bit me. Your rough hands tracing the outline of my breast to the side of my hips and down to my thighs and back up around to cup my bottom.

I remember making you groan as I wiggled against you. The heat coming from a special place. The want in me to undress you. We were intoxicated with each other. There was only us and this moment alone. I slip off the dress slowly letting it free fall down my body. The look on your face when you found nothing but my bare skin. Your eyes shone in delight and your mouth curving into hunger to satisfy your manly needs with me.

You would kiss the back of my neck. Then suck on the tip on my breast. You’d trail down my back laying sweet soft kisses and your hands would produce the sweet torture to my need. We’d become one. My hips meeting yours with every thrust. Your firmness in me making me come close to my unravelling. The moan of my name escaping your lips. The way we made love, the simple need of bare skin together. You were intoxicating.

Hanging By A Moment Here With You

Desperate for changing, starving for truth. I’m closer to where I started, I’m chasing after you

It’s been a couple of days I think, since my last post, that is. I’ve been finding solace in friends, in my family, in God and in my music. I am not going to lie and say that I am better, but I am better than I was a year ago. To be honest, I thought I wasn’t going to survive all of it. All of the pain, the heartache, the mistakes… I lived torturing myself.

I have a guy friend… I’d like to think that he is my best guy friend. Since he pretty much knows all I have been through and stuff. I talk to him a lot and he gives me great advice. The other night we were talking and he straight up told me that yea we all make mistakes but if God has already forgiven us and loves us, he sees our heart, why can’t I just forgive myself too? Instead of torturing myself and living in hate to a certain extent with myself.

That got me analyzing, and of course emotional. It’s true. I need to accept and forgive my own self. In order to move forward with my life, with my goals, with my dreams… I need to love myself. Stop hating everything I am not and everything I don’t have. I need to see that I have a great life, I have great new friends, and I have my family with me. I got ambitions, I got plans, I got goals. I want to accomplish them. I want to feel proud of myself for once in my life. Be me, be who I always wanted to be.

It takes time, everything always does. But I need to start having a little more faith. I need to trust in what I believe and let that guide me in the right path for me. I need to stop going against what’s right and just doing it. Obviously its not easy, I know I’m going to have those days where I just want to break down and give it all up…stop! Stop it… look around , I’ll say to myself, look at how far you have come in this crazy thing called life. Look at who you have become. Shh, it’s okay honey to feel so lost and incomplete, but you are getting closer to your own happiness.

I think I still held on to that fear. Fear and hate. My worst enemies, but little by little I am realizing and discovering. I am letting go of all of those things that kept holding me back. For now, this year will be for ending past relationships and beginning an exciting study for me. This will be the time I give myself to just be on my own and love it. Love myself. Hopefully if things go well next year, I want to be open to someone… I want to let someone into my heart. Of course I am not expecting things to go exactly that way, but its okay to wish and dream. You never know when they might just come true.

 

I’m falling even more in love with you, Letting go of all I’ve held on to
I’m standing here until you make me move, I’m hanging by a moment here with you
I’m living for the only thing I know, I’m running and not quite sure where to go
And I don’t know what I’m diving into, Just hanging by a moment here with you